“On becoming a daughter and becoming a mother. There is something awesome about pregnancy. Two flesh are one in the purest form. The bond is intense. In the beginning, the connection seems natural, long cuddles, snuggles, total sacrifice of oneself for another. There is a dance and the child nuzzles back. It is taste of unconditional love.
However, somehow as the child grows older it becomes harder and harder to feel that intense, vulnerable connection. What is this small wall that is beginning to develop? Why when I ask my child for a hug does she reject me? And, why does she have to say my name more than once to get my attention? Where did this conditional love come from? Can we find the purity of birth again?
I sense this distance with my own mother. I love her but it is a rare occasion when I feel the intense connection that I long for. Likewise, I feel the same thing happening between my daughter and myself. I long for the deep, intimate closeness that we had when she was in the womb.
I don’t know if it’s possible to have that feeling on a consistent basis but I will spend the rest of my life trying to find that pure connection again, both with my daughter and with my mother. I love you mom. I love you daughter.” ~Jana Holland, Written in Chicago on an early Sunday morning, January 30, 1999.