The burden of the future has become to heavy for my weary soul. My fears and anxieties have bubbled over and the acidic residue has seeped out and burned those around me as well as myself.
My own words taunt me. “Reckless words pierce like a sword… You pride yourself with moral standards, teaching the world as their commander. Hypocrisy bleeds from within. Oh! for the state of sin.”
I want to walk my talk. I want to be authentic but my heart is exposed when conflict arises and fears heightened. My mouth exposes me and I am a hypocrite. I bow to the lowest common denominator and venom spews from my lips (or in the recent case, my keyboard) I could blame the send button, but I’m the one who pushes the send button.
I realize this is contrary to our current culture of “self love” but the honest truth is that when I am consumed with self and protecting self, my pride takes over and I become a double tongued snake. I become a reflection of the short sighted, ill-tempered, weak, ugly, jerk of an enemy. And, I hurt people I love and really anyone in the way.
“My dear children, let’s not just talk about love; let’s practice real love. This is the only way we’ll know we’re living truly, living in God’s reality. It’s also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves.” I John 3:18
The Light exposes the darkness, thank God. Although it is painful to look in the mirror and see this truth, the isolation and condemnation I have felt over the past week is more painful. I want out of shadows. No matter what uncertainty comes in this life, the idea of realizing that I’ve hurt another to feel more in control, and doing nothing about it is no life at all. And so, I cry out for mercy. I cry out for forgiveness. Thankful for the provision of the ministry of reconciliation. Longing for reconnection with God, my fellow man and self.
“So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.” Colossians 3:13